I’ll say it right up front: I’ve worked with John Kerry fans. I’ve known John Kerry fans. John Kerry fans have been friends of mine. But I’m no John Kerry fan. However, since I can also safely be put into the “Will Vote for a Dead Wombat, Stuffed or Not, before Voting for George Bush” category, I must say I’ve been pondering quite a bit lately about Kerry’s puzzling (in)actions on the old campaign trail. I’ve even thought that maybe Kerry just really doesn’t even want to win the election. What else could explain his decidedly less-than-enthralling performance thus far and his utter failure to wipe the floor with an incumbent president whose poll numbers continue descending to Earth faster than another failed Star Wars test missile? (Quick digression: No worries about the latter, as the stratospherically expensive national missile defense system is still right on track to be up and fully non-operational by the end of the year.)
In light of Kerry’s somnambulant efforts and baffling policy proposals, I do wonder if the Iowa caucus-oids who threw Howard Dean out on his northeasterner keister, providing the opportunistic Kerry momentum to go forward and lock down the Democratic nomination, are now having second thoughts. After all, the gutsy governor from Vermont had tapped into the seething anger felt by millions of people nationwide, generated by the country’s Democratic “leadership’s” spot-on impersonation of a mass jellyfish colony when it came to opposing Bush’s insanely destructive policies. Dean was the first Dem to publicly get in Bush’s face and finally give these same dismayed Americans some hope.
Then Kerry, who voted for the go-ahead to invade Iraq, co-opted Dean’s resonating anti-war message and, when the final Iowa votes were tallied, had crop-dusted the fiery doctor in the heart of America’s corn country. The ravenous corporate media, with pats of butter, skewers, and salt and pepper at the ready, feasted on Dean like a newly-shucked, well-barbecued ear by hyping and incessantly re-broadcasting his energetic post-defeat speech as he tried to rally his troops the night of the caucuses (caucusi?), and at that point, it was a done Dean.
It’s always appeared to me, regarding Iowa and the rest of Kerry’s primary victories, that the voters tried to play it safe, trying to predict who had the best chance at beating Bush instead of who had the truer message. There’s a problem with this strategy: it often fails. And what we’re left with now is a choice between Bush and -- surprise -- Kerry. Or, in other words, Mr. Arch-Republican and Mr. Republican Lite. *
Kerry’s approach is curiouser and curiouser. We’ve finally arrived at the moment when a majority of Americans see the war for what it is and want Americans out of Iraq now, and Kerry proposes sending more troops there. Kerry’s take on the Israeli-Palestinian mess is just as scandalous as Bush’s, if not more so, and he apparently thinks the status quo is just fine. (I think someone should send him an email and tell him it’s not.) And who is the first person he asks to be his running mate (well, doesn’t really ask ask, but hints around quite a bit, makes suggestions, leaves lots of hand-written notes on cocktail napkins, and pays for sky-writing over the Capitol and Arizona)? Republican Senator John McCain!
(Regarding McCain, who is a Republican: He’s not all bad, because any Republican who is a regular thorn in fellow Republican Bush’s side is OK with me. He is also a Republican who actually seems to have a moral compass, which, for an elected [or appointed] Republican, is a rare thing. But I can’t abide his pro-war and anti-choice stances, and besides, did I happen to mention he’s a Republican??) Subsequently, Kerry has now presented America’s voters with his number two number two man (a Democrat, at least): John "Avis" Edwards.
Is Kerry inexplicably trying to tick us off even more and make it impossible for us to cast ballots for him because now on election day we’ll be holding our noses with both hands? Bush Gallups into his lowest poll numbers ever and couldn’t be any easier pickin’s, yet Kerry seems unwilling to take advantage. Perhaps he’s decided that being the nation’s chief executive would cut seriously into his yachting time, who knows? I sure don’t, so I decided to check with a couple of Kerry campaign insiders to see if they could enlighten me. I did, and was fortunate to come up with a couple of interesting items.
Admittedly, the first “scoop” I got regarding Kerry’s continuing lackluster showing isn’t exactly news: It concerns the tendency of Kerry, who was voted in high school “Most Likely to be Verbose,” to prattle on a bit, which tends to, well, bore hell out of prospective voters. But I did get sort of a new look at it from one of the senator’s long-time assistants, a diminutive, balding, rather pudgy, middle-aged, bespectacled fellow (who’s got a cool-looking tattoo of a dragon on his right bicep, about two and a half-inches below the shoulder), who agreed only to talk as long as his identity was kept strictly confidential (don’t worry, bud, your secret’s safe). Shorty -- er, “Sporty” -- told me that campaign staff’s nickname for Kerry is “Ten Times,” as in, he’ll use ten times more words than necessary to try to get a point across. “We actually did an intervention on Kerry once about his wordiness,” laments my spy, “but when we were done, we asked if he understood, and he spent the next two hours assuring us he did. He’s kind of full of himself.” Kind of? That’s like saying Idi Amin was kind of unstable. But Kerry’s long-windedness has long been known, so even though his monologues are no plus, I don’t think this is the anchor dragging Kerry’s campaign ship to a crawl.
Then I was given some information that, as bizarre as it sounds, may explain a great deal, if true. According to my second source, who didn’t want to be named but was anyway by his parents at birth because one is obviously much too young at that age to communicate such a desire, Kerry really does want to win; he just doesn’t want to win by that much. Just as some people weirdly, unaccountably wash their hands fifty times a day or watch Fox News, Kerry apparently has an odd quirk about not enjoying lopsided contests or routs in any venue. Thus he has deliberately avoided opening up a big lead in the race in Bush’s two most vulnerable areas by refusing to ask Dubya to either a) address, one by one, all of the innumerable lies he and his administration have repeatedly told, or b) properly conjugate some verbs.
I’ll let my source, Hiram P. Crumpacker (whose moniker proves conclusively his inner infant knew of which it foresaw), explain more about this alleged Kerry idiosyncrasy: “I can’t even watch Red Sox games with him anymore. As soon as the Bosox go ahead, he’s rooting for the other team, and then vice versa. It’s crazy: In his mind, everything has to be ‘evened up.’ I was with him one day when his chauffer lightly sideswiped a parked car, and Kerry made the poor guy hang a U-turn, drive up on the sidewalk, and scrape the other side. He really does want to become president, but only wants to win by so much, and can’t stand it if he’s too far ahead or too far behind in the polls. This keeps him from going full out, and, frankly, it’s driving us all nuts.”
So, if accurate, this seems to go a long way in explaining Kerry’s inability to take advantage of Bush’s multitude of weaknesses and leave Dubya in the electorate dust: As the clock ticks, it may be Kerry’s sick tic that nixes him from sticking it to Slick and Dick. In the name of journalistic fairness, however, I must state that Hiram is not always the most reliable source and does not carry the handle “High Hi” for nothing. I caught him fairly early in the day when he gave me the above “facts” and detected only the slightest hint of Listerine, so I’d say the odds are about 40-60 in his favor. I felt it my duty to report it anyway, and besides, his explanation makes as much sense as anything that’s come down the political pike recently.
But this much is certain: As unpalatable a choice as is Kerry for many of us, he definitely fits the Anybody But Bush mantle. And if indeed Kerry does have a mental block about kicking out the jams and rhetorically kicking Bush’s behind, then would someone please put him in a limousine and get him to a counselor for some help, and fast? Because this election year, we all need help: America and Americans, the world and its citizens, and just good, old-fashioned common decency. We have all suffered tremendously on Bush’s watch, and if you think it’s been bad so far, if he gets another four years, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Because with no future election to worry about, Dubbya and crew won’t need to concern themselves about how their policies play in Peoria, and all the stops will be pulled. Count on it.
* For Naderites and even those who are leaning toward BoBo the Clown, who I understand is on the ballot in a couple of swing states: Yes, I’m aware Ralph is running -- again. But since the thoroughly anachronistic, undemocratic, and completely pointless Electoral College is still in effect, Ralph and Bo have no chance and can do nothing but upset the applecart -- again. If you’re in a state that is going strongly red or blue, cast away your protest vote to your heart’s content. But if you’re in state that could go either way, shame on you for not voting the Democratic ticket. As duly implied, I can’t stand Kerry, either, but first things first, for crying out loud.
Copyright © 2004 Mark Drolette. All rights reserved.
