By Mark Drolette
Recently a “friend,” apparently deeming me a titch too serene, forwarded the following blurb from the Web site of California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (you don’t know how hard it was to write those last four words):
“Stephen Gallagher, 23, of West Sacramento, has been appointed assistant secretary of public communications for the Business, Transportation and Housing Agency. He most recently served as a research associate for the communications and research firm MB Public Affairs from 2004 to 2006. Gallagher previously was a staff writer for the Manteca Bulletin Newspaper and a camp counselor for the San Joaquin 4-H Camp. He also served as an intern in the press office for Governor Schwarzenegger in 2004. This position does not require Senate confirmation and the compensation is $49,000. Gallagher is a Republican.”
Well, now. Let’s parse this out, shall we?
But before we do, you may be asking yourself as the highly intelligent reader you are (let it never be said I miss an opportunity to suck up): “Why should I care about some Podunk political ‘ppointment that simply looks like yet one more example of never-ending scratch-my-back largesse that’s been going on forever in this country?”
Precisely because it is never-ending and because it has been going on forever in this country, that’s why. And also because corruption has become such an integral part of the political fabric in America that the corrupters aren’t even attempting to hide it anymore.
Convinced? Good. Let the parsing begin:
“Stephen Gallagher, 23, of West Sacramento, has been appointed assistant secretary of public communications for the Business, Transportation and Housing Agency.”
You know, it’s like I’ve always said: There’s nothing quite like the worldly perspective a grizzled 23-year-old can bring to the table, especially when it comes to public communications for an agency with a $27,747,000 annual budget.
“He most recently served as a research associate…”
Hmm. What’s a “research associate”? Sounds all professional-like. That
is, till I (traumatically) think back on my two decades with the Human
Spirit Eviscerating Factory (aka the U.S. Postal Service);
specifically, the morning I arrived at work to discover that,
overnight, the marketing geniuses in the Division of Stupid Euphemisms
had magically transformed me into a “sales and service associate.” For
some reason, though, I still felt afterward like what I’d always been:
a window clerk.
“…for the communications and research firm MB Public Affairs from 2004 to 2006.”
Gee. Who is MB Public Affairs, one wonders? According to its Web site, it “specialize[s] in using the most up-to-date research techniques…to offer creative and effective results that augment public affairs, lobbying and political campaigns.” Its “clients and past projects [include] trade associations, corporate entities and other business interests, public affairs firms, initiative campaigns and numerous federal, state and local elected officials.”
Funny how nary a one of these “numerous federal, state and local elected officials” it goes on to name is anything but a Republican.
“Gallagher previously was a staff writer for the Manteca Bulletin Newspaper…”
Really, next to the big three -- the L.A. Times, New York Times and the Washington Post (or the “WaPo”) -- an employer would have to be daft not to snatch up a veteran scribe from the globally-revered MaBu.
“…and a camp counselor for the San Joaquin 4-H Camp.”
OK. I’m sorry. It’s clear I’ve been a little too snarky about this whole affair. Who could deny qualifications like this?
“He also served as an intern in the press office for Governor Schwarzenegger in 2004.”
Now, there’s a shock. It almost gives the impression the deck’s been stacked in Mr. Gallagher’s favor over other equally-qualified candidates, like, say, that bag girl over at Safeway who just happens to be the daughter of an ultra-conservative, corporate executive, campaign mega-donor (then again, is there any other kind?).
“This position does not require Senate confirmation and the compensation is $49,000.”
I am almost fifty-one years old. I have worked full-time since I was nineteen. I only three years ago cracked the $49,000 mark. I have nothing more to say.
Bastard.
(So I lied.)
“Gallagher is a Republican.”
Most of us in the journalistic trade would react to a closing line like this with a highly technical term often employed by long-time insiders: “No shit.” Given his irreproachable media background, I’m surprised Mr. “Ace Reporter” Gallagher didn’t notice this super superfluous line and excise it himself.
Now, before we continue, I should make it clear I’m not picking on Mr. Gallagher.
Well, OK, so yes I am, but it goes beyond that.
Way beyond.
As I mentioned earlier, passing out political plums and screwing the public in the process is nothing new. In fact, it’s been around as long as the world’s oldest profession. In fact, it is the world’s oldest profession. (Except without the classiness.)
But is it just me, or have the ruling brutes never been more blatant about their murderous larceny? Clearly America, with all its high-flying promises at its inception of liberty and justice for all, was set up by the monied elites for the monied elites with “freedoms” and concessions periodically dolloped out ever since under democracy’s guise to just enough of the citizenry to keep the nation’s perpetually (and potentially rebellious) poor under control.
Anymore, however, the system’s hellsmen don’t even bother pretending their rapacious, reptilian minds are interested in anything other than self-interest. Thus, the unending trail (identifiable by its crusty glaze) of the Monica Goodlings and the Michael Browns and the Julia Doolittles and the Shaha Rizas, individuals whose credentials for the personally-enriching, politically-connected positions they fill are laughable at best but whose inside connections are undeniably impeccable.
Now that I think about it, though, I must admit one aspect of Mr. Gallagher’s résumé would seem to bode well for his new assignment: with all that 4-H experience, he should feel right at home working with animals.
You know: the more equal ones in the farmhouse.
