Mark Drolette

Sir, would you like a scone with that revolution?

By Mark Drolette

In a recent conversation that may or may not have occurred amongst local peaceniks who may or may not exist (since this article may or may not be perused by Homeland Insecurity), the topic was revolution. As in, might there be a second American one? None voted “Aye” but, with the oppression strangling today’s America fresh in mind, discussion did ensue about how subjecting deposed leaders of an overthrown government (pick one) to post-rebellion guillotining, machine-gunning or even (shudder) unending media coverage of yet another O.J. Simpson trial does bear a certain appeal.

It's only a goddamned piece of paper

By Mark Drolette

It’s not often, in these dire times, I laugh out loud when the Bush administration, or one of its lackeys, makes yet another insane assertion. (Ed.: Mark, “insane” is superfluous here, given the source.) But I couldn’t help it recently after perusing this lead by Laurie Kellman of the Associated Press:

“President Bush's choice for attorney general [Michael Mukasey] told senators … the Constitution does not prevent the president from wiretapping suspected terrorists without a court order.”

Wow. That’s quite the claim, dontcha think, considering the Fourth Amendment kind of implies -- you know, in an unequivocal, iron-clad, irrefutable implying sort of way -- that wiretapping without a search warrant is, well, gosh, just so darn unconstitutional. (If confirmation’s needed, I suggest consulting any fifth grade American history class.)

For Iran, no nukes is not good news

By Mark Drolette

One thing I’ve learned while researching columns is that oftentimes, the smaller the item, the louder it speaks.

Check this thirty-six worder from page A3 of the September 29 San Francisco Chronicle:

“Petroleum for Pyongyang: President Bush Friday authorized the first U.S. shipment of heavy fuel oil to North Korea in five years, a reward to Pyongyang for moving forward with its agreement to end its nuclear programs.”

That’s it, in its entirety. Its brevity, however, belies its true voluminous content. ‘Cause:

Isn’t North Korea, like Iraq and Iran, a charter member of Bush’s “Axis of Evil”?

The Constitution Was Getting Pretty Ratty Anyway

By Mark Drolette

Coming attractions:

The scene: Late one night at a listening post, deep in the bowels of the Department of Homeland Security. Two agents, a veteran and a rookie, huddle over a wiretap monitor.

Veteran agent: Thank God the Democrats rolled over on that new wiretapping bill and gave the president what he wanted, eh, kid?

Rookie agent: Sir?

Insults at Twenty Paces

And may neither man miss

By Mark Drolette

So this is what it’s come to, eh? The world’s number two terrorist, Osama bin Laden, getting verbally bitch-slapped by the world’s number one terrorist.

All together now: Ooooohhhhhh!

No, the rhetorical dueling glove (the labeling of bin Laden as “virtually impotent”) wasn’t manfully snapped by George W. Bush himself (who, in a weird coincidence, considers himself virtually important). Instead, it was done for him on Fox News and CNN by yet another in an endless slimy line of administration toadies, this one Bush’s “homeland security adviser,” some woman by the name of Frances Frog-o’s, check it, Fragos, Townsend.

The baby blue house with the quite coral columns

By Mark Drolette

“Ooh -- muy bonita!” cooed the young saleswoman in San Ramón, Costa Rica.

She was examining the paint she’d just mixed, obviously impressed with the results of her labor. Me, I wasn’t so sure. How would the bright reddish-brown hue (“Quite Coral”) look on the support columns of my new hillside casa whose exterior was a vivid baby blue?

Quite coral, as it turned out. And quite good, too, I mused. As for what my gringo neighbors thought: Who knew? Then again -- who cared? My house is in the tropics, hence its tropical colors. Besides, a primary reason for my impending move to Costa Rica is to experience anew something decidedly deceased in America:

Can only a Dolt love America?

By Mark Drolette

“Is this a great country or what?”

“I’m sorry?”

My rabid right-wing brother-in-law Dolton had caught me off-guard, fantasizing as I’d been about George W. Bush invoking at his war crimes trial a variation of the “Larry Craig defense”: “I am not smart. I never have been smart.”

“That show we just watched,” Dolton continued, commenting on a just-concluded program on the Propaganda, er, History Channel extolling the glories of the Mexican-American War, harkening back to the days when the U.S. stole only half a country at a time, “reminds me of how lucky we are to live in a land with so much freedom and opportunity, thanks to all the sacrifices so many Americans have made.”

With the Democrats, everything’s just Vichy keen

By Mark Drolette

I wrote this about the Democrats in an April 2006 column:

“…just what in the slimy, spineless, mush-mouthed, pants-wetting, knee-knocking, finger-in-the-air, thumb-in-your-eye, two-faced, CYA-ing recent past of the Democratic Party leads you to believe that in any way, shape or form these bipedal jellyfish can lead us to the Promised Land, or even the Suggested Parking Lot, even if by the most miraculous of miracles the GOP somehow forgets to throw the vote-conversion switch in the next selection and the Dems manage to regain a majority somewhere?”

However, given their actions since November, I owe an apology:

 

Don’t even start calling things Bushian

By Mark Drolette

I’m sick of lefties snidely comparing the grim totalitarian society of George Orwell’s 1984 to today’s freedom-spewing United States, a country few Americans would dare call dystopian, even if they could define it. The following analysis exposes these aspersions as utterly specious.

Unfounded, even.

War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. These are the best-known examples of 1984’s “doublespeak,” the deliberate misuse of deceptive language. Some may proffer George W. Bush calculatingly utilizes doublespeak but I say no.

Love it or leave it? You don’t have to tell me twice

By Mark Drolette

Yet another 4th of July approaches, a holiday on which we all commemorate America’s big, shiny image of itself by emulating what it does best:

Spend lots of money to blow shit up.

It appears this’ll be my last opportunity to celebrate independence. No, I’m not dying, or getting married again. (Redundant. Sorry.)

Nope. I’m moving to Costa Rica.

Why Costa Rica?